A Tale of Two Binkys

Once upon a time we owned two binkys (note: pacifiers for those unitiiated to the parent trap). And then we lost one.

...insert record scratch...

...cue pomp and circumstance horns...!!!!

New title: A TALE OF ONE BINKY!

So, yesterday your mom was very busy with her internship, school, putting curses on evil friends, and other wiccan related activities. After rushing home to do a paper for school at the last minute (it's not procrastinating, it's efficient...she is able to write a report in an hour if she only has an hour), she rushed out the door when I got home and drove off to school.

So, there we were. Dad and Ayjia. Hanging out! Oh, how your dad loves his nights with you.

So, you and dad are doing your usual thing and hanging out. You know, he is wetting his diaper and you are watching TV in the background and feeding him. And, around 6:00pm you koncked out and were ready for a nap. It had been a long day riding on mom's coat tails.

"Nooooooo problem" dad told himself. He has mastered putting you down for a nap w/o you crying. In fact, we call him "The Sleep Machine" because you will always fall alseep in his arms. But, on this particular day, sleep wasn't going to come so easy to you. (We just used foreshadowing for you non-English majors)

But "Why?" you might ask? I mean we have all the ingredients for a nap. We have a sleepy baby. We have The Sleep Machine. We have a crib. We have the binky.

Or....do we?

Now, let us digress and tell you how cool your mom and dad are. See, your mom and dad bought two binkys a couple of weeks before you were born. They have Pooh on them and you love them and we love them, and because we love them so much we have only lost one of the two binkys. But, the one that has survived has been with you YOUR ENTIRE LIFE! Have we purchased more binkys? Yes. Would you suck them if they were covered in chocolate? No. So, we're stickin' with the Pooh binky and everyone is happy. And your mom and I are efficient as hell with that binky which is why we never lose it. And were quite popular in Parenting magazine becaues we know how to keep a binky. In fact, we're in the Guiness book of world records. Or were we just drinking Guiness one night while listening to records? Who knows. But back to the binky.... It has four locations: the crib, our bed, the diaper bag, and your mouth. That's it!!!! In an entire year, it has been no where else!

OK...back to the story. So your dad goes to put you down, but needs the binky first. But, alas, where is the binky? It must be in one of the four locaitons right? Right. In the crib? No. In our bed? No. In your mouth? Definitely not. OK, well it must be in the diaper bag.

Wait...where is the diaper bag?

Downstairs? No. Upstairs? No. In the car? Yes.

Ok, so your dad takes you to the car. Hmm...the car is locked. He'll need the keys. On the key rack? No. Downstairs? No. Upstairs? No.

Hmmmmmm.....

IN MOM'S JACKET WHICH IS ON HER PERSON THUS BLOCKING DAD FROM GETTING THE BINKY? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Panic sets in. It's OK, in the rare times a binky has not comforted you, we can fill a bottle with milk and stick the bottle nipple in your mouth. Perfect.

Now, let us digress once again. Up until a week ago, your mom and dad had three or four bottles. But aliens or big foot or evil cats did something and ALL AT ONCE, all but one bottle cracked IN THE SAME EXACT SPOT!! WTF!!?!?!

Have we purchsed new bottles? No. So, here's your first word problem. How many bottles do mom and dad have left? ONE!!

And where might that ONE bottle be? In the car?

YES!!!

So, now panic fully takes hold. No bottle or no binky! What the hell is a father to do? This has never happened in the history of mankind. We checked! We Googled for answers and Google returned, "Hahahahah! Good luck ya ass!"

Damn Google.

So, all this build up to a boring ending. Ok, prepare yourself for an anti climactic ending. Prepared?

Dad put you in the crib and you cried yourself to sleep in 2 minutes. Life went on and dad surfed the net.

Ok, so dumb ending but the story was fun, right?

"uhh.....no." Shut up google, no one was asking you.