Mama's Got A New Pair of Shoes

Note: This one is long, but good.

So your faux-Uncle Steve gave us a $25 giftcard to Toys R Us for your birthday. Luckily Steve explained to your genius father that the gift card could be used in any store that ended in "R US" and after debating a trip to "IPODs R US" we decided that you would probably like something from Babies R Us better and drove down the street to get you some gifts.

However, our trip to the store was preceeded by....oh I don't know, let me see if I can recall....oh yes: going to Gymboree (where we discovered you love bubbles and hate other kids), Starbucks (I'm beginning to think that it is Starbucks who impregnate women, not the stork as widely reported, as this is an essential daily stop for anyone in the parent trap), Barnes & Nobles (why don't you have the magazine I'm looking for! No, not Geriatric Sluts!...Filter!), $1-2 Million Model Homes (Where we decided that we like our house payment much better...even if these houses did have music rooms and bars), Sushi (note: if you ever want to make your mom happy, buy her Sushi...Diamonds will work too, but Sushi is cheaper...although not by much), and Cingular Wireless (where your dad got a new bluetooth phone for god knows what reason and your mom got a cheap ass phone cuz she always wants a cell phone but never ends up usuing it). So, needless to say, your lazy ass dad was one tired mo fo.

But, we survived all of the above and we made it to our last stop.....BABIES R US! Now, what to buy? First, you needed more diapers. You only had one diaper left which meant the world was about to self destruct if we did not procure more. Your dad picked up a box of Huggies and your mom proceeded to ask....wait...backstory necessary here.

Let's think back to EXACTLY one year ago. You were a newborn, your mom was your mom, and your dad was gopher boy. I basically got anything for her that she wanted without much complaining because....oh, I don't know...SHE JUST HAD HER STOMACH CUT OPEN AND A 7 lb GIRL PULLED FROM THE OPENINING...so, your beautiful, wonderful, adorable mom sends me to get diapers. Being the cheap ass that I am (my mom and yia yia - or Grandma for those of you who aren't Greek - are Gemini's...so I learned young how to be a cheap ass...and if you're a Gemini reading this, I'm sorry...but admit it, your cheap. Astrology never fails us.), I returned from Toys R Us with the CHEAP GENERIC DIAPERS. At the time I wasn't getting much sleep and my triumphant return with my first purchase of a package of diapers was met with something like this...."You got the generic brand? What are you a dumb F*ck? The ONLY brand you will EVER buy to ensure the continued smoothness of my daughter's butt is HUGGIES! What were you thinking? Who buys the generic brand? Go back to the store NOW and get some goddamn HUGGIES like a real man would have in the first place?"

Me: "But these were like a third of the price and I'm the only one working now and..."

Mom: "Would you like your daughter's ass to fall off in the middle of the night? No, then GO BACK AND GET SOME REAL DIAPERS.....I didn't ask for paper towels!"

Of course, it didn't go exactly like that...I'm paraphrasing...it was actually much worse.

Ok, so back to the present. Wow, this blog entry is kind of like Memento. Continuing with that analogy...this part would be the color part. So, after I pick up the bag of Huggies (which trust me I have bought Huggies every single time you needed diapers since), your mom asks...."why don't we buy the cheap brand?"

Hmmmm....my brain begins to process. Is this question a setup? Why would she say this?

My brain flashes back to one year prior and the demon that was unleashed upon my return w/ the generic diapers in hand.

Brain flashes back to reality, sure this is a setup, I respond with my hand on my hip and diapers in the other hand ala Superman "No, we shall buy Huggies and only Huggies..even when we're old and we need diapers for ourselves, we will buy Huggies."

At this point, your ever-trying-to-please-your-mother dad was sure he had answered this test question right and knew he was about to get a report card with straight A's sent to his mother (your yia yia - no definition needed if you were paying attention above).

But, no, mom did actually want to help the bank account and buy cheaper diapers (couldn've used this information a year ago) and we argued for a while and ended up with Huggies (note: this isn't a reflection of your dad's ability to argue as much as it is a reflection of the persuasive power of a $5 off Huggies coupon your dad had in his pocket).

Ok, so this whole post was meant to be the story behind your new shoes. After picking up diapers we got you a pair of shoes, a fake cell phone (I think yours was more expensive than your mom's), and a fake set of car keys. Thank you Steve! Without your giftcard this blog entry would not have been possible.

And after that, we were so pooped that if we didn't go home and watch more of the "Curb Your Enthusiasm" DVD....well, our asses would have fallen off.

(P.S. {from momma} your father is Grrrrreat at fabrication and slander of your mother... also: please remember that your "ever-trying-to-please-your-mother" father had to be told from an outside source that your gift card was NOT to be used on himself. Why? Because that is what your perfect father would do... )

(P.P.S. {from dad} it's libel not slander as this is in print. So when you think of your dad remember he is great at fabrication and LIBEL)

(P.P.S.S. {from momma} Yes. Remember that your father is perfect when it comes to grammar and not integrity and strength of character. You get that from your mom. )