Gymboree or A.A. Meeting?

We made a few discoveries yesterday at Gymboree that we think need to be shared with you. The first is that we figured out how our teacher always manages to be so happy and chipper. Even when we asked her normal questions and kids were not around, she practically speaks in song and Hallelujah! But, after being avid movie watchers for so many years, your mom and I have learned a thing or two. And, upon closer observation yesterday, we did confirm that your Gymboree teacher is indeed a Stepford wife. I know this may come as a surprise, but we will be there for you to help you cope with the fact that this nice lady is really a robot.

We're not sure exactly why we didn't notice the plastic smile and all-too-perfect skin before. But, when we thought about it it all made perfect sense. You see, anyone who's job it is to play with kids for 8 hours per day and stay happy would have to be a robot.

Yesterday, the Stepford teacher held her little circle time again. The question this week was "how do you capture all of your baby's first moments? Do you have a journal or do you use a video camera?"

Immediately I was struck by total fear. I grabbed your mom and whispered, "whatever you do, do not tell them the URL to our blog." Shit talking always comes back to haunt you.

Glamma showed up to Gymboree yesterday as well. After attempting to run through the various obstacles, Stepford pulled her aside and said, "It's OK if you visit, but you're going to need to crawl out of that tunnel." Glamma was having a little too much fun. A few jars of vaseline later, Glamma was out of the tunnel made for two years olds and we were back on track having a good time at Gymboree. (editor's note: Glamma didn't really play on the toys, but it's fun to think what would have happened if she did).

After Gymboree, we did our typical Starbucks run where we ran into one of the moms from Gymboree. She explained that Gymboree was so much fun because the kids reminded her of alcoholics. Alcoholics? we thought. She quickly explained that all of the kids act drunk because none of them can stand up for very long and they all fall over one another. It's like they're drunks at an AA meeting.

So we learned that Gymboree is really for alcoholics and that your teacher is a robot. And you learned how to say "bubbles" so we've all learned and everything is good in the end. Especially when there's vaseline involved.

You Got That Mullet From Your Daddy

Anyone wanna go to Nascar or watch Motley Crue?

Reasons We Had Ayjia

a. Our cat died and we needed something to pet and feed
b. We wanted to make dad feel better as now he's not the only one in the house that walks around with a bottle
c. We're conducting an experiment to see how weird names affect the lives of a baby girl
d. We weren't ready to make the commitment of marriage, but we needed something more in our relationship
d. all of the above
e. none of the above

Cave Exploration

OK, so it's a well known fact that embarassment becomes part of your daily life as a parent. Whether it's walking around in a shirt fresh from the dry cleaners only to have your little rugrat spit up chunky grape juice mixed with applesauce onto the front of the shirt on your way to work; or having to scream at the little tyke in the middle of the grocery store after watching him or her throw grocery product all over the middle of the aisle, it's no surprise that parentdom tests the humility of even the most liberal parent.

So, it should have come at no surprise last night when you decided to embarass your parents at the local pizza parlor. What happened you ask? Well, the tale goes something like this.

See, your mom and I had just ordered our pizzas and were discussing potential movie rentals for the night (the 300 movies we have at home plus the multiple rentals from Netflix were decidedly not up to par with our highbrow tastes this particular evening). Our waitress was serving the table right next to us, and in order to do so, stood directly behind you with her butt directly behind the back of your head. So, as your mom and I were engaged in our eventful conversation, we didn't notice (at least not in time) you turning around to face the gigantic ass and proceed to spank it.

Now, that in itself wasn't so funny or embarassing as it has happened before. What was embarassing was the waitress' reaction. You see, the waitress must have been unaware of her surroundings; so, not knowing that a baby was DIRECTLY BEHIND HER, she felt something grab at her ass. Her instints must have told her it was your dad because she began pulsating her pelvic region in complete astonishment; caught offguard by the sudden molestation of the junk in her trunk.

All was well once she realized that a dirty man was not the culprit of this very-public molestation. But, the experience did make us question your sexuality...just for a moment.

You Must Have Been Jealous Too

So, ever since our infamous trip to Gymboree (detailed events chronicled below), you have changed. You see, during our circle time (the one in which every parent bragged about their kid), a lot of the parents said something to the effect of "we don't experience any stress whatsoever because our son/daughter sleeps for 12 hours a night."

Your mom and I looked at each other and thought "they must be lying" and if not "why don't you sleep that long!"

I think you're more perceptive than we give you credit for because ever since then, you have been sleeping for 12 hours a night. And if that wasn't a gift from heaven in itself, you have also been taking THREE HOUR naps during the day. Three hours! That's almost enough to wactch the extended version Lord of the Rings . Almost.

So, now that you're sleeping schedule is so AWESOME, your mom and I can do more productive things like.....hmmm.....watch MULTIPLE episodes of our favorite television programs (instead of just one), sleep longer, and maybe if we're lucky we'll have time to take a shower.

Which will help reduce the stank in this house....but, as long as Auntie Stina comes over, there's not much hope for eliminating the stank completely. Especially when we have potato soup.